


Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time

by ASBusinessMagnet



Series: Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller"'s story arc [1]
Category: Portal (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-10
Updated: 2010-10-26
Packaged: 2017-11-17 02:03:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 18,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/546427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ASBusinessMagnet/pseuds/ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reposted from the rival website FanFiction.Net.</p><p>"Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise: Portal 2 follows the continuing adventures of Chell Johnson, a 23 year old senior test subject at the Aperture Science complex. Here she discovers how stupid this whole system is and attempts to escape the facilities."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

_Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time_

EXACT TIME: 2107 October 9, 12:30 PM

EXACT PLACE: Aperture Science Main Headquarters, Cleveland, Ohio, USA

* * *

_A decaying office. Midday. One core was travelling_ \- (berp berp berp) a grammar error detected. Fragment. Consider revising.  _"You suck. You suck yet again."_

One core was travelling along the railroads installed on the ceiling of the facility. But, as the facility was going down (it wasn't used for seventy years) the ceiling the core was travelling on broke, and the core fell. It didn't know where in the facility it was, as there were no signs indicating sections' names. However, the core (which consisted of a big eye on a sphere) could see what the place consisted of.

It consisted of a glass panel and a so-called "portal frame" (the core remembered that from back in the 21st century). Inside the glass panel there was another portal frame and some sort of futuristic bed. In the bed the core saw a woman in a cyan jumpsuit sleeping.

Continuing its examinations of the room, the core saw a large button on the floor. On the ceiling above the button there was a tube that could develop a "storage cube" whenever it desired. Looking again, the core saw that the tube was on a timer that had two lines: one read "2107.10.09 12:30:00.000" and wasn't counting and another one read "2107.10.09 12:28:50.043" and was counting up. The core would have wondered what would happen when the timers' clocks matched but as it was a helper core, there was no time for this.

As the timer was counting down, the core noticed that the room above the broken ceiling had some sort of a sign. That sign read "…in Test Su..." The core was unable to read more because it could not move not on the rails. It decided that whatever that was, it was neither of interest to it nor to that sleeping woman.

Just as the core noticed a door, which, by the way, wasn't like any ordinary door, all of sudden, from nowhere, a masculine voice started talking:

_Beginning Relaxation Vault Wake-Up Sequence in Three. Two. One._

"Wake-up? Relaxation Vault?" the core wondered before it noticed that the portal frame opened a portal.

Then the core noticed that the sleeping woman woke up. "That's it," the core thought, "I'll not stand much longer in this nightmarish facility with all the Relaxation Vaults and portal frames and…"

_Welcome to the Year 2107. My name is Cave, and, as GLaDOS is shut down, you can freely explore the facility._

"Oh god, this continues more. Now I'll really escape- wait. I can't move. But I'll escape this nightmarish facility with all the Relaxation Vaults and portal frames opening and Caves and GLaDOSes and…" and the core noticed the woman was staring at it curiously.

"Okay", the core said. "Then I'll make a deal. You pick up me and carry me along your path, and I'll help you escape this nightmarish facility."

"But I don't know you," the woman said. "You know, let's introduce ourselves. My name is Chell."

"Okay… Chell." The core was (berp berp berp)  _a grammar error detected. Fragment. Consider revising._ "You suck. I want to shut you down. That should mark a period."

The core was scared. "My name is Wheatley. Now let's escape the facility…"

"For God's sake, stop calling it  _a facility_. It has a name -  _Aperture Science Main Headquarters_."

"And… do you like it?"

"Unfortunately, yes. In fact, this has been so much of a home to me that I gave names to every section of the headquarters. Ths area, for example," Chell pointed at the broken ceiling, "is the Main Test Subject Section, but I just call it…"

"Okay, enough. Better tell me who's Cave."

"Cave? He was my grand- (berp berp berp)  _a grammar error detected. Fragment. Consider revising._ "Oh come on. Just shut down."

_Shutting down the Aperture Science Main Headquarters in Three. Two. One._

Everything went black. Only the sun could be seen reflecting from a mirror surface of the broken ceiling sign. Even Wheatley was shut down.

_Chell! Chell! It's Cave!_

Everyone would think "what the heck?"

_That grammar check really is a fail! Now GLaDOS and Wheatley are dead! Everyone is dead here! Listen. You have to find a plug on the Main Test Subject Section. Unfortunately, it's just above you on the floor. But I think shooting the plug with a portal would be enough. First, try to find the portalgun and… what the heck? (pause) Oh shi. Just a Japanese "shi"._

An unknown nature force affected Cave so much that he could not say a thing.

But Chell got the message and found the portal device she first used back in 2007. She shot a portal to the mirror surface of the sign, and particles hit the plug on the floor.

Everything was lit again, and the nature force was gone.

_At least that stupid Word 2108 for Blinds: Grammar Check program is not running. You can be safe now; the headquarters won't shut down randomly anymore._

Chell and Wheatley were relieved. But only for a second.

* * *

_As they were forging their way out of the headquarters, Wheatley asked:_

„ _From where do you know everything on the facility?"_

„Portal: Stay Inside _, dumbass!"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what I love about this system is that I can fake an early publication date
> 
> not that this fic beginning updating at March 10, 2010 is a lie


	2. Part Two

"So you didn't tell me who's Cave."

"He was my grandfather. He founded this facility back in 1953. It was making…"

"1953? Shouldn't he be dead?"

"He  _is_. But the Aperture Science employees resurrected him inside a computer, which means that he's sending messages to us literally from beyond the grave!"

"And how much nightmarish is GLaDOS?"

"Pretty much. She had that failure cake fixture. She teased me all the time while I was at the headquarters for the first time."

"So… should we go?"

"Where?"

"Right out of the facility!"

"I'd say no, but you're pretty cute, so yes. But first… where did I put my Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device?"

Wheatley wasn't listening. "Science. Again."

But Chell didn't search for it for long and said:

"Let's go."

But, unfortunately, she couldn't shoot a portal at the broken ceiling.

"The stupid metal walls… I think we might as well go through the door."

The door was as stupid as a normal door called a gate, but for Chell and Wheatley, that was absolutely normal. However, Cave was not as level-headed.

"They obviously don't know that they are going to meet the Pest Chambers of Death. I must inform them."

_An Aperture Science Random Informer would like to inform you that you're now approaching the Pest Chambers of Serious Injuries. Please turn back now and cake will be served. Immediately._

"Cake? Don't be GLaDOS, Cave. Wait. Serious injuries?" Chell stopped just before she was about to fall into the spiky floor and put Wheatley down on the floor.

_Oh no, you've mentioned Gladys. As I am a computer myself, I can't cry, but if I could, I sure would. That horrible night of 1986… The Combine all around… omnicoder's Portal Timeline… If only I knew we both would turn into computers… And then you… Passing through tests without a single mistake… And then killing her… And then… Oh no, not this again…_

The stupid nature force affected Cave again, and some other voice Chell didn't recognize came on.

_Important message arrives. You failed in your life. Please go back. I promise, there will be no cake. Shutting down and putting Cave on after an important message. Error: could not put Cave back on because the whole headquarters are decaying and nature is coming everywhere._

"GLaDOS! Now I'm really doomed. But wait… can I place a portal there? Yes!"

Chell shot a portal where appeared to be a floor, and carrying Wheatley, went through.

Now she – and Wheatley too – could see where they are, as they saw an infamous Test Chamber Sign. It read "Pest Chambers of Death – Chamber 01 out of 50". Underneath this sign there were some schematics that denoted that you could be shot down by the turrets or fall on the spikes. There was also a number 1 next to the turret schematic.

"One turret? It might as well be. And for the biggest failure of all time, I could even go backwards the chamber and see the turret not seeing me."

_Chell, you must be stupid. It's a test chamber sign. And test chamber signs always appear at the start. Now I'll reprogram the elevator to go backwards._

"Of course. How could I forget. So, Wheatley? The elevator must go to the maintenance area. Come on."

"No," said Wheatley, "maintenance areas cause me phobias."

"Then go your way. Here's a rail. You should know your way to the Companion Cube Run. I'll wait for you there."

Then Chell stepped into the elevator and went down to the maintenance area. The elevator also was kind of stupid, but that's what the whole headquarters are. And then Cave came along.

_Don't worry, I'll lead Wheatley to the Companion Cu… (garbled) Test Chamber Seventeen. And as you go, I'll tell a story. Don't worry if I rephrase Wallace Breen, but that's it. "Welcome. Welcome to Test Chamber Seventeen. You have chosen, or been chosen, to relocate to one of our finest remaining test chambers. I thought so much of Test Chamber Seventeen that I elected to establish Companion Cube Run here, next to the Aperture Science Wall Failure so thoughtfully provided by our employees. Doug Rattmann has been proud to call Test Chamber Seventeen his home. And so, whether you are here to stay, or passing through on your way to the maintenance areas, Welcome to Test Chamber Seventeen. There's more love here."_

"Yeah. Just as the time I met Doctor Freeman. He said he had killed Breen. And he told me something about "our benefactors", here wonderfully replaced to "our employees". I think Cave has just proven himself to be GLaDOS. Really."

_(garbled) And then He made a time machine… and travelled into the unknown… (garbled)_

And then GLaDOS-ified voice came again.

_Sarcasm sphere self-test complete. YOU'LL DIE! HA HA HA HA (garbled)_

"This whole thing is just failing. Ugh. Almost there. The Turret Run. Better not do it here…"

As garbled mixes of Cave, Breen and GLaDOS continued, Chell made it into the elevator that leaded to Test Chamber Seventeen.

_The Vital Apparatus Vent will deliver (boom) The 4th Millennium (boom) a mathematical error (boom) Aperture Science Handheld (KABOOM!)_

The whole facility went down and turned black again (save for the faint light of the tinted glass rooms) as Wheatley was already in the Chamber Seventeen. This time he fell from the rails into the part just above the Aperture Science Wall Failure, still active. And the Companion Cube was delivered.

"That was my love… But it's no longer. I'll find that core. And I'll find Doug. I'm almost sure of it."

_And that time, beneath the Aperture Science Wall Failure..._

„Oh no... Why I had to incinerate my Companion Cube..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why are there Lithuanian quotation marks


	3. Part Three

"Should I take Companion Cube with me? It won't hurt. I'll take it," Chell decided and went through the chamber which wasn't spitting energy balls.

Just as she passed through she saw…

"Wheatley!" and she threw Companion Cube down just so that Doug could see it.

_Companion Cube!_

"Who said that? And why there is a light where Aperture Science Wall Failure is?"

Chell shot a portal to that place and a portal where she could reach it. And then she saw… a 21st century's test subject.

"The time must have been frozen here", said Chell.

"No, my dear," said Doug, "I've invented a cure that could make a human live forever. If only I knew I would be surpassed by that stupid thing that turned this facility dead."

"Facility?! You must die."

"Then how do you call it?"

"Portal 2's The Most Awesome Headquarters Ever in a Video Game."

"Okay, whoever you are. I don't know you. But I seem to be famous.  _"Doug Rattmann has been proud to call Test Chamber Seventeen his home…"_

"Oh. My name is Chell."

"Then aren't you the granddaughter of these two s**t sauce computers?"

"Indeed I am."

"And who's that sphere with an eye?"

"His name is Wheatley. He's pretty cute."

"Cute yes, but no one will be like my own Companion Cube…"

"Wait."

Chell went back to the tube delivering Companion Cubes, and again, a portal shot was enough to deliver a whole series of Companion Cubes and block the elevator from the rest of the chamber. She took one and went back to beneath the Aperture Science Wall Failure.

"B... but how?"

"Simple. The whole headquarters are so vulnerable they go down simply after a portal shot. Now let's go."

Then Doug realized Chell could help him get out of the chamber, and said:

"Okay, now we'll get up. But how we'll get up with two Companion Cubes and a core?"

"Two?" Chell laughed. "There's a whole million of them."

Then Chell and Doug kept taking Companion Cubes from the start to the part where they were supposed to go up.

"Now I'll tell the plan," Chell said. "We'll take two Companion Cubes. The incinerator will only ask for one, and when I shoot the fizzler, we'll go to the elevator with everything – including Wheatley and the Cube – in our disposal."

"Really? Aren't there three of us?"

"But there's a million Companion Cubes, idiot!"

The plan worked just fine, and Doug, Chell, Wheatley and the Cube went up to Chamber Eighteen.

The chamber was ruined as always. Decaying headquarters' parts had almost destroyed every hope of passing the chamber. The only way to survive this was to get to the floor Doug and Chell could see and then go to the ruined wall. But Doug, as always, worried:

"But… is it safe?"

"No. Nothing is safe in these headquarters. I once saw some chambers – called "Pest Chambers of Death" – that would make you die on every spot."

"I meant, should we go?"

"Yes. I remember that there was a gap next to this floor, but it's no longer there."

So Doug, Chell, Wheatley and the Cube took that path and went to the maintenance area, but, unfortunately, Wheatley's eye color changed.

"Oh. How could I forget."

And Chell said to Doug:

"I can't go that way. But you should know your way to the Chamber Nineteen."

"Okay."

But Chell – even though she had to do it because of Wheatley – took the wrong way. The chamber was almost impossible, but after much hard work – including leaving Wheatley on a button while passing through and shooting a fizzler again – she made it. It was the Chamber Nineteen. It was the destiny of every test subject.

* * *

_Soon enough Doug came too. Then, Chell and Doug sat down and played Action 52 until an arm from the TV (also known as Wonkavision and Mr. Beancast) pulled them – including Wheatley and the Cube – inside._

" _We are the Cheetahmen. We'll fight for you."_

" _You won't," said Chell and gave them the Portalgun._

_The Cheetahmen ran away. And now. The Cheetahmen._

* * *

Just as Doug came, the whole headquarters started to fail again with garbled voices and light failures. Chell and Doug just waited.

But they didn't have to wait for long, as Cave came:

_Now I've killed that daugther of a b**ch forever. Also, this chamber's fire doesn't work._

"That's it. The fail is over", mentioned Chell.

Just as she, Doug, the Cube and Wheatley stepped on a platform, it started to move immediately. The obstacles that were previously there were gone and it was no problem to reach… nothing. Yup. It was a leak. And the infinite walls of doom also were there.

They decided that they had to shoot a portal, throw Wheatley and the Cube there, and, as the platform is gone, make it on the ledge. And they did.

And then Cave came on.

_It's nice to see how you survived that. The fire was a killer enough, but when four objects cross nothing with portals… that's ingenious._

And now. The Most Epic Escape Ever in a Video Game.


	4. Part Four

Then they saw a number door. Wheatley came to check it first.

"0000? No, that's not it. 0001? No? 0002? You've got to be joking! 0003…"

"Let's go without him until he checks all numbers," said Chell. "I've given him a mobile phone."

"But… the Cube," mentioned Doug.

"I know a way."

She flinged up to the ledge shot, a blue portal failed where it was available and an orange one failed as a signal to Doug. He understood the signal and went through – with the Cube.

"Sorry, I meant to say that I flinged up to the ledge, shot a blue portal where it was available and an orange one as a signal to you."

"That's not funny. Now I'm without the Cube."

_Oh. Then placing a Vital Apparatus Vent where you are now._

A piece of ceiling opened and a tube like the one in the place where this all started came. And then another Companion Cube was delivered.

"You'd never see that in p0rtal2player's Fan Fiction," said Chell.

"p0rtal2player's Fan Fiction?"

"It's about a man who runs through these tests. And not the year 2107's tests."

"It all has changed since I first came to these tests, hasn't it?"

"You saw the only change here."

As Chell, Doug and the Cube went through, they were haunted by memories.

_Hello? Where are you? I know you're there. I can feel you here. Hello?_

When suddenly the mobile phone ringed:

"I found it. It's 0189."

"You're lucky it wasn't 9989," said Chell and went back.

When she (and her crew) went back, she saw Wheatley was stuck in a door.

"I know."

She shot a blue portal where Doug could reach, and quickly went through the door as it finally closed, and Wheatley was left with Chell.

Then it was easy for Chell to find a spot to fire an orange portal. As Doug came through, Chell said:

"You'd never see that in a custom map. It's Portal 2, man."

As they came in, they saw that the room resembled someone's home. And in that room there was a cake.

"I told Cave not to be GLaDOS."

_You know, she put the cake in._

The four proceeded. The cake was a lie, after all.

Then Chell, Doug, Wheatley and the Cube luckily found an early test chamber. They were at the start. The sign read: "Portal: Combat Level 04. Introduction to using portals in combat".

"It's time to me to show my skills. Again," said Chell.

She quickly tore down all the turrets and shot the ledge shot to reveal an opening. They knew it was an opening because the sun shined through.

"Yes!" shouted all four.

Then she asked Doug to stand on the Cube where the opening is, stood up on him and found a place to shoot a portal.

"Something must be wrong," said Doug. "It must be a trap."

The portal led the four to an open-sky hallway. At the end of the hallway was an elevator. Even a dumb would have guessed this is an exit elevator. This was it. This was the end of the four's plans to escape the headquarters. This was the end of this fan fiction.

As they entered the elevator, there was a problem. As with all the Aperture Science elevators, there were no buttons. There was only a terminal.

"There must be a plug," said Doug.

"The terminal  _is_ the plug," replied Chell and inserted Wheatley in. Then the elevator started moving.

As the elevator was moving, the three heard a switch sound. It sounded like many switches were flicked at once. It was obvious that now there was no escape. And, just to add to what they did, GLaDOS started speaking.

_It seems that I found two test subjects. And the first thing I like to do with test subjects is to incinerate the Companion Cube._

A ligthning stroke the Cube and it dissolved in Chell's and Doug's eyes. And then GLaDOS recognized Chell.

_Oh, it's you. Chell Johnson, the playable character of every game in the universe. It's been a long time. How have you been? I've been really busy being dead. You know, after he murdered me? Haunting the test subjects… Demolishing the headquarters… Okay look, we both said a lot of things that you are going to regret. But I think we should put our differences behind us. For science._ _You monster. Now it's time to me to be a boss. Now I'll really transform these headquarters into a testing facility. And you, Doug? You loved your Companion Cube? You had to ask her to find a way? Then I'll make sure the Cube will appear in your tests. Now goodbye, and see you in Blue Portals._

Everything went black. GLaDOS wasn't joking. It was time for some real Portal 2. That was its slogan: R-E-A-L. Because it's a real piece of s**t!

* * *

_When Valve approached a team of students from the nearby DigiPen Institute of Technology with job offers and the opportunity to flesh out their senior project – something that no human could spell correctly - back in the summer of 2005, they knew that one day this will end up as the coolest movie of 3007 that will have two sequels. The final Valve's project, Portal, was released in The Orange Box, which then spawned much more "boxes" in gaming industry._

_And now. Something more._


	5. Parts 5c and 5d

Blackness. Complete and utter blackness. The memories swirled around in the blackness.

_Hello, and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. We hope your brief detention in The Relaxation Vault has been a pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed and we are now ready to begin the test proper. Before we start, however, keep in mind that altough fun and learning are the primary goals of all Enrichment Center activities, serious injuries may occur. For your own safety, and the safety of others, please refrain from to-chinn por favor bordón de fallar Muchos gracias de fallar gracias-stand back. The Portal will open in Three. Two. One._

But at the time where she had to hear a portal opening, she heard nothing. It wasn't these test chambers she was used to. It was something different. It must had been a mod. And that mod has a name.

_Welcome to TheCakeisaPie. My name is TK. And today it's time for a series of maps by reepblue, called The Blue Portals._

But since the actual mod was just called „Blue Portals", GLaDOS shot him down.

After waking up, Chell saw that she got a portal gun right off the bat. But it was blue portal-only. And the only place to place a portal was on the floor.

Cautiously, she jumped through a portal there. She ended up outside the glass panel she was in. „A little improvement since Portal, isn't it?"

The next room was easy as always. A box was on the stairs, a button at the bottom, a door was again on the stairs. And then the fun began.

I've already mentioned that not one Aperture Science elevator had a single button. But when the first chamber of Blue Portals ended, instead of an elevator there was a room which had a blue portal. And next to that room, behind a portal, there was another one. When Chell went through, the portal behind her closed.

The next challenge was a fling excersise. You know, like you fall to the floor portal and fire from the wall. But that was actually more than that, because she got only a little to fall and had to use falling from the wall. But, as I mentioned, she had a blue portal-only portal gun and the orange portal was on the floor, sho she ended up flying up where the door was, shooting a portal there, and nicely hitting the slanted ceiling which pushed her to the next stupid elevator hole. She decided to dub it „the Aperture Science Portal Elevator."

After getting past the Aperture Science Portal Elevator, she was in the next test chamber. It was Chamber 02 of whatever the number of chambers was (reepblue himself said it's 10, but who cares?). The chamber wasn't just anything at the facility. It had some translucent water, different from the hazard water, and two unusual cubes that had fire symbols on them. Chell thought: „Will I burn my hand when I touch it? Nah. I can pick it up with the ASHPD. Then will the ASHPD burn down if I pick the cube up? And that translucent water? Will the cubes become normal if thrown?"

She decided to try. The portal frame was up on the wall next to the ceiling, so she had to go through the portal twice: one time to reach the ledge and another to get to the cubes. First, she tried to pick up a cube by the ASHPD. Nothing happened. Then, she put the ASHPD on the cube, forced to touch it. Still, nothing happened.

„I'll do the last experiment with both cubes simultaneously." She went through the portal with both cubes. Then she found a place to shoot a portal next to the water. Lastly, she stacked the cubes and pushed them so both of them fell into the water. They fizzled as if the water was a fizzler. Then the tube deployed a similar cube. This time, there was only one cube.

„Well, I've done experimenting. Time for the challenge," said Chell. She put the cube on the button in the center of the chamber. The portals changed. „I can't exploit it with just one cube." She, using portal bumping, managed to place a portal next to a tube which wasn't a cube deploying tube but a weirder one. It was open, and apparently wasn't activated. After some thinking, Chell figured out she had to put the cube  _in_. But she couldn't reach the tube by just jumping. When she jumped, she fell to the water and the cube disappeared. „That's it. I'm stuck. If only I knew I had to use both cubes..."

She was bored inside the chamber, so she played with destroying the fire cube. It was fun to see a cube burst by simply touching the water. But, as with all fun things, it quickly got bored. She was simply waiting for nothing, occasionally throwing a cube in the water.

* * *

_Far away, in the Main Headquarters..._

„Oh no, not the test chambers again." Doug Rattmann had enough with them. During his first course, he ran to Chamber Seventeen. There, after GLaDOS used a mechanical arm to force him to incinerate the Companion Cube, he spent the rest of his life exploring the headquarters, calling the Aperture Science Wall Failure area his home, until... well, you know already.

Now, after a hundred years passed, he started out in a completely unknown chamber. This chamber's creator was more elaborate to put the name directly on the chamber's sign. The chamber was called „Get it Twice Tutorial Chamber 00". „Wow," Doug thought, „the other tests I had were twenty chambers, and here it's like... twenty tutorial chambers?"

The chamber was pretty easy. There were stairs to climb and a button to push donn with a box. The chamber led immediately to the elevator. This time, it was the classic test chamber elevator. But nothing good passes without GLaDOS speaking.

_The Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center would like to inform you that the next chamber is impossible unless you go back to the previous chamber. Have a good day._

By the way, Doug didn't even have the portal gun.

He walked to the next chamber. It was identical to the first one except ofr the fact that there was no box. But looking around, Doug saw that there was a portal leading to... the previous chamber. That previous chamber still had a box, but the door was locked. Checking that, Doug took the cube and put it again. „Nope."

He took the box to the Tutorial Chamber 01 and put it on the button there. The door opened, yet again leading Doug to the elevator.

The next chamber was apparently entitled „Get it Twice 00-0". In that chamber, Doug got the blue portal-only portal gun. Shooting a portal, he saw that he had to jump over. He threw the portal gun over and looked down. „It's that chamber." He jumped down, gathered speed and jumped over to see a dead end. There was only a switch. Pushing it, Doug saw that the orange portal changed. He went back to where the pit was, jumped down and went through. He checked if he was still on the chamber, as he was worried of the „next chamber" idea.

On that part where he was there was a box. Next to the box was an observation room. What was strange about it was that the window was broken, and the whole chamber seemed as if it was rotated. Next to it was a grate shield. And going further, there was a closed door and a hallway with an arch. Where it led was out of Doug's vision.

He decided to jump down to the room and expect a BTS area. When he did, he opened the door (this time a normal door) and jumped down. Still, this wasn't it.

And then GLaDOS. Of course.

_The Aperture Science Secret Speaker Escape Hatch System will open in Three. Two. One. (garbled) Euthanizing me. In Three. Two. One._

One wall opened, and Doug saw a portal gun on a weird system. Trying to pick it up, he felt that he was about to break the wall. Not wanting to do that, he decided to investigate the area more. It had a tight part of the ceiling going up, as if it was broked. It was available to shoot a portal. He decided to, and saw another tight opening. He had to portal bump to reach that area. Now it was more open. It had a turret and a portal gun. That portalgun could shoot both portals. „Yes."

He then shot a blue portal on the ceiling far away and an orange one where he could reach. This time, the area was big and even revealed what looked like a test chamber. Doug then went to that test chamber.

It was unfinished. Doug could see that the elevator shaft (with no elevator) led to a cubic room which had one big wall that was the observation room and one big wall which had a sign of someone holding the ASHPD. Also, the observation room's glass wall was split into two parts. The second part revealed the rocket turret that was shooting Doug.

The first time it targeted, it broke the upper section of the wall. Doug used portals to get to the observation room, which had many, many chairs. On one chair there was a ring of unknown origin. Doug loudly asked: „What is this ring?"

_It's Hoopy the Hoop. He very liked to watch you die here. Ha ha ha._

Near the time the rocket turret was going to shoot the second time, Doug ran away, and the rocket missed.

The observation room had a door. Doug went through to the hallway. The hallway quickly got boring but Doug broke to the floor.

That next room was apparently another kind of observation room. That kind of observation room didn't require to be next to the chamber, as it used cameras. That meant one could observe anyone from far away. The observation room actually was for „Blue Portals Research Center." There was a map showing that while Aperture Science Main Headquarters were on Cleveland, Ohio, in a continent entitled „Americk", Blue Portals Research Center was on Swindon, England, UK.

„Hm. GLaDOS, before this, mentioned Blue Portals. Since I appear to still be on the Main Headquarters, Chell must be on Blue Portals. Which means..."

He flicked the switches until he found Blue Portals 02 (where Chell was, by the way). And he saw Chell just about to destroy the fire cube.

_And back to the Blue Portals Research Center..._

„There was a guy who-no, wait. It was a ring. There was a ring which had a weird name – Hoopy the Hoop. It liked to hoop all around..."


	6. Parts 6c and 6d

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> why is there a Skype chatlog
> 
> it should be a Pesterchum pesterlog instead
> 
> (hint: I wasn't a Homestuck fan yet)

Chell was starting to simply wait for nothing without even throwing the cube into the water when suddenly GLaDOS started speaking.

_You failed in your life._

„My life?" Chell was obviously in trance as GLaDOS said that. Realizing that her life wasn't a failure, she decided that there was someone else trapped inside the facility.

Looking around the chamber, where she already knew every hideout, she saw a knife and a marker – something that she never noticed before.

„I know. I'll write a fan fiction on that someone else trapped inside the facility." She cut off one side of the fire cube, threw the rest into the water, and, on the side she has never seen, started writing:

_Once upon a time there was some guy who failed in his life. He was trapped inside this Aperture Science testing facility where there were no buttons on the elevators. His name was..._

As she didn't remember any human names aside from „Cave Johnson" and „Doug Rattmann", she took the second variant. „And if Doug was really there..."

_His name was Doug Rattmann. He had lost his Companion Cube until some dumbass inventor called Chell Johnson..._

„I just called myself a dumbass inventor. This fan fiction obviously couldn't work."

She threw the „sheet of paper" into the water, cut off another side of the Fire Cube, and started thinking. She had no ideas until GLaDOS came on again.

_The Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center would like to inform you that the next chamber is impossible unless you go back to the previous chamber. Have a good day._

„Yes. Exactly what I wanted." And she started writing.

_Once upon a time there was some guy called Doug Rattmann who failed in his life because of Companion Cube. He was once thrown into the chambers impossible unless he backtracked, never really passing through something like four chambers. The chambers looked nothing like anything in the Aperture Science facilities and..._

And she ran out of „paper." She repeated the same thing to get another side. And when she had to do this again, she repeated this again, and again, and again. The fan fiction turned out really long but again, nothing good lasts long.

„ _What is this ring?" It's Hoopy the Hoop. He very liked to watch you die here. Ha ha ha._

„Might as well split it and write another fan fic about Hoopy. Then sometime they meet and live happily ever after.

_Once upon a time there was a guy who-_

„No, wait, it was a ring."

_..._ _guy who_ _ring which had a weird name – Hoopy the Hoop. It liked to hoop all around and incinerate the Companion Cube. Its life, since 2028, was very boring as no one had ever met it. It had already listened to „Still Alive: Radio Mix" sixty million times when some guy – called Doug Rattmann, by the way – met it, and they lived happily ever after._

„Nice fan fic," said Chell, „but it's simply too short. It won't make a book that everybody would buy." So she screwed that and started writing on a completely different idea. It had nothing to do with Doug Rattmann or Hoopy the Hoop.

_Once upon a time..._

„That fairy tale start must DIE!" And she threw the „paper" into the water. But, as there were no ideas on the beginning of the fan fic, Chell was left with two different stories – one too short and one where she couldn't really implement anything.

Then she realized she was always feeling that she was inside a fan fic and thought: „What if I rewrite  _that_  fan fic?"

_Once upon a time there was a personality core named Wheatley who once hit dumbass inventor's – whose name was Chell Johnson..._

„No, no, and again NO!" She threw the fire cube into the water and then she got a PC. „That's what I needed to store a fan fic, wasn't it?"

* * *

„Are there any exits inside the room? No... But can I send things there and contact? Yes!"

He started throwing random things by a button combination that no one – not even him, Doug Rattmann – could remember, and saw that Chell was no longer bored. And then, after repeating that several hundred times, he saw that he had thrown a PC there.

He quickly turned off the „Aperture Science Blue Portals Research Center's Main Camera-based Observation Room" program and saw... Windows 7. Of course. All succeding Windows operating systems apparently were so much of a failure that Windows Vista could not even compare.

He had previously seen that Chell's new PC used that same operating system – and with Skype, so he searched for Skype on his computer – and eventually found it. He renamed his Skype's user nick – which was something that is too much of a swear to write on this fan fic – simply to „Doug Rattmann." Then he turned on a hacking program – it looked like the Brian Spencer's Hacker Evolution System, just upgraded - to look up what was Chell's Skype name. It was „facade_internet".

He connected to it, they quickly became friends, and then – there was a chat.

 **[2107.10.10 01:11:10] Doug Rattmann said:** HAI C'HELL!

 **[2107.10.10 01:11:28] Chell Johnson said:** Oh hey, it's you. I was writing a fan fic about you.

 **[2107.10.10 01:11:35] Doug Rattmann said:** And how it turned out?

 **[2107.10.10 01:11:41] Chell Johnson said:** Nothing really interesting.

 **[2107.10.10 01:11:49] Doug Rattmann said:** But I want to read it... ;(

 **[2107.10.10 01:11:50] Chell Johnson said:** K

**[2107.10.10 01:11:55] Chell Johnson said:** _Chell Johnson sent a file „My_Fan_"_

**[2107.10.10 01:12:35] Doug Rattmann said:** I have five hands?

 **[2107.10.10 01:12:50] Chell Johnson said:** Yes. In fact, in the original you were to have a billion hands. :D

 **[2107.10.10 01:12:55] Doug Rattmann said:** Write something else.

 **[2107.10.10 01:12:56] Chell Johnson said:** K

 **[2107.10.10 01:13:11] Chell Johnson said:** Once upon a time there was a guy called...

 **[2107.10.10 01:13:13] Doug Rattmann said:** YOU!

 **[2107.10.10 01:13:31] Chell Johnson said:** Once upon a time there was a gal called Chell Johnson who was a dumbass inventor=\k

 **[2107.10.10 01:13:37] Chell Johnson said:** You can't delete a post. :

 **[2107.10.10 01:13:43] Doug Rattmann said:** Bye.

He felt stupid that he was claimed to have a billion hands. He then suddenly came unconscious. After waking up from whatever, he said: „That Chell Johnson, whoever she is, must die."

He then broke through the wall, which separated the Aperture Science Main Headquarters from the rest of the world, and saw something he had never seen before. That something had many, many trees and was not as gray as it looked back in the 20th century. It was Cleveland, Ohio as it was in the year 2107.

* * *

„ _Yes. 7."_

„ _Then exactly what he wanted popped up", said Chell and started writing," wrote the Aperture Science Business Magnet and started writing._

Once upon a time...

„ _That thing is so bad I'm too exhausted to say it," said the Aperture Science Business Magnet and started writing._

* * *

The Aperture Science Laboratories were so much of a failure that there was some guy called Doug Rattmann who managed to fail in his life because of a stupid metal box that was pulled up by some sarcastic A.I. That Doug Rattmann was once thrown into the nature impossible to break unless he backtracked, never really passing through something like four kilometers. The nature looked nothing like anything in the Aperture Science facilities and hell, they looked nothing like anything in the year 2107. It was a little something called Portal 2.

That Portal 2 was once, ninety-seven years back, released and hit the gamers so hard that the two Portal/Left 4 Dead Mapping Communities, known as HatingMountainswithFrancis and myDerailmentLabsSpot, started working on a huge mod project. That mod project was called „Portal 4 Dead 2: Just Stay at Home and Do Nothing". It had to store the data of the whole world within the Source engine capabilities and allow you to access every little hideout. That mod project, as  _it_  was released, caused a major strike on the world, to us all known undler the poetic names such as „the 2012 Apocalypses" and „the Seven Hour War".

And now, after many years of the Combine and the Resistance fighting, and the modders constantly respawning enemies, Portal 2 has come. Meet the Reality Decay. Meet the Aperture Science Blue Portals Research Center and the Aperture Science Future Technology Institute. Meet The Year 2107.


	7. Part Seven

Half an hour passed. Doug wasn't responding. At complete boredom, Chell threw the knife at the glass wall which was below the area where she first found the cubes. The glass wall broke, and Chell was like „Yay! Now I can pass through!" She went through the portal elevator, which she had already forgotten, and ended up at the next chamber – Blue Portals 03.

At that next chamber (or Blue Portals 03, if you prefer) Chell saw a switch that wasn't working. After a minute or su, the switch finally activated. She pressed the switch and not looking at the shit that was behind the glass, waited. It was another minute when she was allowed to go through to go to the next area. That next area was so complex that Chell didn't even know where to start. She decided to take the knife (which she kept from the previous chamber) and destroy some green thingies that did nothing but disturb the super button.

Suddenly she felt as if she was floating. The chamber (apparently Blue Portals 03) was leaving her behind. Where she was going there was a fizzler. She suddenly thought of a new area with a lot of awesome scribblings about cake, but she hadn't forgotten this is Blue Portals and its own „franchise" with phrases such as „the franchise is a lie", „the franchise will be served", „Weighted Companion Franchise", etc.

As Chell went up whatever that green shit was, she saw that she was right about that there would be scribblings, but they were neither about the cake nor about the franchise. They were as follows:

_I am Morgan Rattmann, the son of a bitch that was the daugther of Doug Rattmann who escaped but was caught – with me this time – again. He gave up on trying to escape but I used his method. Now I'll tell you, the reader of this, that to escape Blue Portals you have to use the box catcher. But first you have to destroy that personality core- wait, it's a sensor. You have to destroy that sensor which registers the cube. It requires only a knife. The next part of this story I wrote here. Now go down. You have the heel springs, after all._

„That's useful, isn't it? I have exactly what he asked," said Chell and went down. She already knew what Morgan meant by „box catcher". She jumped down to the complex room and then to the box catcher. It at first tried to push Chell out, but failed. Now, with the knife, Chell smashed the new „floor" and fell down the pipe only to see another lair, which supposedly held another part of the story. It was:

_I knew only one person who would try to accomplish that, and her name is Chell Johnson._

„Oh shi-" thought Chell and saw the grandson of the Rattmann. He said: „Hey, I haven't finished the walkthrough yet."

„Well then you fail." And Chell looked around the area she was in. There was a pipe opening from which she came and a closed classic Aperture Science door. „It must be that door."

„No, doors always lead to traps. You're not thinking like that Doug Rattmann.

„Doug Rattmann sucks. I brought him the Companion Cube – but that was only because the Main Headquarters were failing – and when I was at that stupid elevator, he lost it and cried over even before appearing at some stupid maps."

„You suck."

And then someone came in.

„Hiya! I'm the new GLaDOS slave right at Portal 2."

„Even if he's Doug, he sucks."

After this last Morgan's thought, the slave (was it Doug?) killed him and was about to kill Chell when he – again – fell unconscious.

„Life sucks," thought Chell.

Yet again, half an hour passed and nothing happened. With Morgan dead and the slave most likely dead too, Chell got totally bored. She was so bored that she slowly started to go insane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, "going insane" is a gradual process. You don't have happy and bubbly guide-of-Aperture-Science Chell one day and universe-destroying great fanfic goddess Ms. Johnson-Rattmann "interdimensionalPortaller" the next day. The time between this chapter and Yes, You Got The Patient's Name Right was two. Goddamn. _Years._


	8. Part Eight

The walls of the BTS Blue Portals 03 area were written with every thought of Chell that she could have during the insanity period.

_Once upon a time there were these two guys. One, I think, was a mixture of Doug Rattmann and the Cake Core and another was his grandson. They killed each other with their bare hands._

_As with all the Black Mesa elevators, in the room there were no buttons._

_And then the whole Earth exploded._

_Da Gaeb Newell._

When suddenly the former GLaDOS slave woke up.

„Chell?"

She looked over and saw the Doug.

„Hi Chell. That Morgan sucks, doesn't it?"

„Yeah. The door is the exit. I know one map – Section Twelve where that happens."

„And?"

And Chell told a story.

_And then you have to collect two batteries to get up. But first you stack bricks, like in Half-Life 2. But then I said: „I haven't played Half-Life 2!" But the Aperture Science Business Magnet kept on going with his stupid walkthrough..._

„Sorry, I went insane." She laughed.

„Well, the old friends have reunited. But how about Wheatley? How about the Cube?"

„This is Blue Portals. We'll have to get The Franchise."

„Of course, I don't know what The Franchise is."

„Well, at the end of Blue Portals instead of the cake you get the franchise."

„But I didn't get the cake."

„Well, reepblue was more elaborate on his „kewl mawd". Anyway, you get The Franchise, and you realize that the Aperture Science Blue Portals Research Center is somewhere far away from Cleveland. And all you have to do is not use any suspicious portals to not to get back to Cleveland and to successfully escape."

„And then what?"

„At the exit there's a plug that removes the GLaDOS unit from Blue Portals."

„But if GLaDOS is gone, who's in control?"

„She's called 0ver5e3r. She's much like the Aperture AIs but doesn't have any Personality Cores."

„And how this „Aperture Science Blue Portals Research Center" came?"

„Well, back in 2037 it was called just „Blue Portals Research Center". It had stolen many of the Aperture's technological advances and claimed them to be „borrowed." But their portalgun was blue portal-only, their box catchers could fail, their „magnets" were obviously a ripoff from „Aperture Science Business Magnet", et cetera, et cetera."

„But how the „Aperture Science" got in?"

„Well, in 2038, after the Unix Date Bug which affected 0ver5e3r but not GLaDOS or Cave, Aperture took over the Blue Portals Research Center, added „Aperture Science" to all the Blue Portals' devices' names and changed them into these new funky names, like „the Aperture Science Aerial Faith Plate". Then they took all the devices into the Main Headquarters and made the Portal 2."

„Wait... if 0ver5e3r failed back in 2038, how you'll plug it in without a date failure again?"

„This fix", and Chell showed an USB Flash Drive, „will reset the Unix dates into two hundred years in the future, so it starts at December 2101 and ends in January 2238."

„And then what?"

„GLaDOS has a Year 2222 problem, so 0ver5e3r will have sixteen years to migrate into the Main Headquarters where it's all fine until 4096."

„AND THEN WHAT!" Doug exclaimed sarcastically. „No really, and then what?"

„The Aperture Science Golden Age definitely will happen. It's „just" 3007."

„So are you telling me that if we get The Franchise the Aperture Science Golden Age will happen?

„Yes."

„Then let's bypass Chambers 03 to 09 and go straight to 10."

„You failure... The last chamber of Blue Portals is Chamber 11. But, as we can't bypass 10, you're right."

They went through the classic Aperture Science door and went „YAY! AN ELEVATOR!" They went into the elevator and here they were. It was an Aperture Science Blue Portals Research Center's maintenance area which was completely different from the Main Headquarters' maintenance area.

„Let me guess that there's a window which is shown to a Blue Portals chamber as an observation room."

That room was Blue Portals 06. Doug asked:

„Shouldn't 04 be here?"

„They use Portal Elevators."

„Ah... Okay. I haven't been in Blue Portals, so I'll need time to get acquainted to it."

And now. The Blue Portals.

_But since the actual mod was just called „Blue Portals", GLaDOS shot the Action Gamemaster down._

_IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING_

_Blue Portals 2 coming soon..._


	9. Part 8,5 or Blue Portals Stuff

If you're reading this, Colossal, I'm just protecting Portal: T **h** e 4th Millennium Wiki from becoming a Blue Portals Wik **i**  but it will eventually become such because of you (and me and Valve at the part).

* * *

_Little did_ _**C** _ _hell Johnson kn_ _**o** _ _w that this Blue Porta_ _**l** _ _s thing started back in 2010 rather than 2037..._

EXACT TIME: 2010 April 18, 03:40 PM (Eastern Eur **o** pean  **S** ummer Time)

EXACT PLACE: Portal: The 4th Millennium Wiki, Blue Portal **s**  article

It w **a** s an ear **l** y evening. The Aperture Science Business Magnet  **w** as bored and, after another vandal went  **i** n Porta **l** : The 4th Mil **l** ennium Wiki, decided that he was going to officiall **y**  let pe **o** ple spam his wiki. It was somewhat timely that the for **u** m thread about spelling Colossal's, one of the developers of Blue Portals, name as "Colass **h** ol **e** " and "Co **l** awsol" and "COLoserSalt". He decided to give a link to the  **p** age of the wiki on the  **m** ost activ **e**  Portal mapping forum of the time, myApertureLabs (the name sin **c** e then has changed int **o**  "myDerailmentLabsSpot" after the Business Magnet ruled o **v** er th **e**  fo **r** um) and say:

_**T** _ _he only wo_ _**r** _ _d I let yo_ _**u** _ _to spam is "Colossal"._

But the pag **e**  where the spammers eventually came was filled with something like:

_A sequel to_ _**B** _ _lue Porta_ _**l** _ _s_ _, called_ _Bl_ _**u** _ _e Portals 2_ _, was alr_ _**e** _ _ady announced by the Blue_ _**P** _ _ortals Devel_ _**o** _ _pment C_ _**r** _ _ew. While_ _Blue Por_ _**t** _ _als 2_ _will be for_ _Port_ _**a** _ _l 2_ _, the Aperture Science Business Magnet sees it as be_ _**l** _ _onging to_ _Portal 2: Epi_ _**s** _ _ode One (author's note: yes, that's spoilers for the fan fiction)_ _._

Or:

_The mod takes place in_ _**2** _ _037 and GLaDO_ _**S** _ _is said to conquer_ _**t** _ _he Bl_ _**u** _ _e Portals Research Center and call it "the Aperture Science Blue Portals Research Center" in 2038, as a consequence o_ _**f** _ _the Unix Date Bug (_ _author's note:_ _I mean, the Year 2038 problem)._

Which is the blunder between Blue Portals and Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel o **f**  All Time.

As i **t**  was clearly inappopriate from t **h** e Colossal's point of vi **e** w,  **a** fter fixing his name he removed all the… you know… this fan fiction's stuff and said that in Blue  **P** ortals 2, you play as Victoria's sist **e** r.

The Ape **r** ture Science Business Magne **t**  fought back by "separating what is Bl **u** e Portals and what is Po **r** tal 2: The Stupid **e** st  **S** equel of All Time". Now it was  **c** lear what was fanon that the Bus **i** ness Magn **e** t called "speculatio **n** s" and what was the Blue Portals stuff.

But that wasn't enough for  **C** olossal. H **e**  said that in the actual  **B** lue Portals, ninety percent of st **u** ff written here about it is fal **s** e.

The Bus **i** ness Mag **n** et d **e** cided to not to give up. On the page, he put the Blue Portal **s**  logo from the mod' **s**  news articles on  **M** odDB blended with the comparison of Blue Portals and Portal  **A** R **G**  he made back in early March.

_(More rece_ _**n** _ _t_ _**e** _ _ven_ _**t** _ _s not covered. Stay tuned and find out how it ends at Blue Portals 2)_

By the way, the Blue Portals page is now almost the second biggest page on the wiki, only to be passed by – you're not going to believe this – Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time.

_And back to the Aperture Science Blue Portals Research Center, the year 2107:_

"So this is Blue Portals Chamber 10. It sure looks too hard even for my sister, Victoria…"

_Okay, I lied. Goodbye and stay tuned! This was Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time Special Message at the Aperture Science Dedicated Radio Channel. I'll leave you with this tone that once was played for eight straight months._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why bolded letters


	10. Part Nine

„So this is Blue Portals Chamber 10," after many failed attempts to find it and many fail exits passed said Chell. „It sure looks too hard even for a Blue Portals' test subject I know, Victoria."

„From where do you know her if you haven't been here?"

„When I was a teenager..."

Suddenly Blue Portals' chamber's ceiling recolored, lowered and revealed secondary walls which imprisoned Chell and Doug. They noticed that one wall was made of glass and showed a teenager girl in front of a nineties' hacking system.

On the main screen of the system there was an ASCII art version of the Google logo, followed by lines:

_ENTER SEARCH TERM(S):_

_ENTER = GOOGLE SEARCH_

_CTRL+ENTER = I'M FEELING LUCKY_

The teenager girl typed in „Chell Johnson" and hit enter.

„From where does she know your name?" asked Doug. „Is she GLaDOS' reincarnation?"

„You mean Losda Grenston? Nah, this is way before. The girl is really myself of the real late nineties."

„Not interested."

Then the younger Chell found one interesting page and decided to connect to it. It was called „the official Aperture Science BBS System." Here ran a little fan fiction application about the year 1986. That fan fiction read:

 _The year 1986. While Cave Johnson's wife Gladys was captured by „our benefactors" and turned into recently activated Aperture Science Central Artificial Intelligence Supercomputer, or ASCAIS_ [author's note: the name GLaDOS would only become popular in 2007] _, thousands of miles away, in Swindon, their infant granddaughter Chell and an unrelated pair, James and Lily Potters were in a car driving back to their hometown, Little Winging when suddenly a green lightning stroke another unrelated car in the road and that car hit the James' and Lily's car. They died in place, while Chell was relatively unharmed. She then took the prototype Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device that was there and accidentally shot a portalable wall in the car and a building's wall. Curious about the newly opened portal, she walked through and fell to the floor._

 _It was completely accidental that a fellow Swindon citizen (I mean, Carla Grant) found her. She gave a puzzled look to her, but then simply went on further in her adventures because she doesn't give a damn about everything Portal: The 4th Millennium franchise,_ especially  _the Portal Device._

„The Portal Device", repeated the teenager girl looking at the bookcase where the same prototype Portal Device was.

„The Portal Device", repeated 2107's Chell Johnson while holding that same (GLaDOS knew it was hers) Portal Device.

„So are you telling me this Portal Device is back from 1986?"

„Yes. But on to the scene."

The teenager girl went back into Google and searched for „ASCAIS". Yet again she was redirected into the official Aperture Science BBS System Fan Fiction Application, or, for short, tOASBBSSFFA. Another text read just:

_Portal: Prelude._

Then, after a million nonsensical errors (the Portal ARG-redirected users were lucky to see only one error), an image in an unreadable format, called „Aperture Image Format" or AIF, was shown.

The teenager Chell had Doug Rattmann's program of decoding the stupidest images of all time, so she ran the nonsense through it and got a nice retail Portal: Prelude full box art.

„You had my program all the time?"

„Yes."

While all three were examining the images, an alarm sounded up and the walls lifted.

_Caution. Time travel to occur._

After a while when Chell and Doug were listening to the alarm, a licensed Aperture Science Time Machine appeared.

„I'll say her to go back to the hell where the machine came from."

She went back to her old house with the hacking system, connected to tOASBBSSFFA and edited the 2107's entry to remove the time machine from the context.

When she went back, the time machine and all the Blue Portals' chamber's doors and even Doug Rattmann were gone.

„So, at least I still have both the Portal Device and the fix."

She walked through all the chamber's doors to encounter another Portal Elevator which led to an open room where Doug appeared.

„That's it. That's the exit."

„But how could you teleport  _me_  to the post-end sequence?"

„That hacking system from the cutscene was still there. I just hacked in and edited the entry."

„And how about Portal: Prelude?"

„Here's the box."

The box featured Chell next to a „GLaDOS" version of Hatsune Miku, with the logo of Portal: Prelude above them.

„Okay, and how about the Aperture Science Golden Age?"

„Really." Chell accidentally took the USB Flash Drive from Prelude's box instead of the one from her pocket and inserted it in.

Doug was like „YAY! Aperture Science Golden Age!" when he (with Chell, the Device and even the Prelude box) teleported into a nineties' hallway where an Aperture Scientist greeted them behind a cash desk.

„Hello! Pleased to meet you. I was told that you were coming. Starting from this point, this is a portalgun-free zone. Give me the device back, please."

„It looks like I inserted the Prelude installer instead of the fix," said Chell.


	11. Part Ten

„Hey, at least the box has been teleported," said Doug, took the Prelude box and read the text on the back.

_Portal: Prelude, as its name states it, is an unofficial prequel to the game Portal. Its story revolves around pre-GLaDOS epoch,_ _even before she was plugged in. At this time, test subjects were monitored by real Aperture Science employees, whose work was tedious, lengthy and repetitive. This is why they decided to build a great artificial intelligence that could both replace them in these difficult tasks, and also take responsibility for many other tasks within the complex and compete with Black Mesa's superiority. All employees of the Aperture Science complex are now eagerly awaiting GLaDOS. Maybe even a little too eagerly, as the upcoming events will tell._

"Okay, so what I get is that this employee is imitating the personality of GLaDOS to help build the stupidest artificial intelligence personality of all time. No shit why she's being waited for  _a little too eagerly_."

The Aperture Scientist said: "GLaDOS? I never heard of that name."

Chell knew the answer. "He meant ASCAIS. You see, we're from the future that is called Portal 2 where GLa- ASCAIS and another AI have conquered the Aperture Labs and we've got to stop them and trigger the Aperture Science Golden Age."

"Well, you're still not allowed to go until I receive the Portal Device."

Chell thought: "There will be nothing from arguing." She gave the Scientist her Portal Device.

A strange voice that could be compared to HEV Suit's voice said: "Programmed responses activated." Then the scientist came on: "Thanks! Now please, come in. Most of us are already back from the party. Feel free to visit."

Chell and Doug came through the newly opened door and saw what looked like the main hallway of the Aperture Science Laboratories (yes, this name is outdated too). One sign of the hallway was called "Aperture Science G-Labs Sector." Then another programmed voice said: "Hello Abby. They're waiting for you, in the employees' lounge. It's the next door on your left."

"Nevermind that. We're going to GLaDOS. And since the closest name to "GLaDOS" that I see is "G-Labs", we're going there.

They went up to the second level and through the closed door. But since neither people nor boxes can go through the closed doors, they took another door. They then turned right, opened the door and saw the party down there.

"Let's go to the party." They jumped down and the programmed response once again was played.

"Congratulations Abby! You made it! Look guys! Our very first test subject to reach the end of the test alive!"

"What test? You mean Blue Portals? I actually bypassed Chambers 03 to 09 and glitched Chamber 10," said Chell. "And stop referring to "Abby"."

_Programmed responses deactivated._

"So then who you really are?"

"My name is Chell Johnson, and with me came Doug Rattmann."

"Doug Rattmann? You mean the one who made the Aperture Image Format to simulate all the screens?"

"Yes, that same one."

"But he's actually there." Another scientist that was younger Doug Rattmann stood up and started talking with Doug, while Chell continued.

"I'm from the future that is called Portal 2 and I need to go back to it to trigger the Aperture Science Golden Age."

"I can't help you unless ASCAIS, which they're coincidentally going to plug in a few minutes, invents something. So, here's the deal. We offer you to witness this event, live, with us. Go take a tour in the complex, while we work on the very last details. I'll send you someone to show you the way, in a few minutes. And when she's plugged in, you'll come to her room and make a deal with her."

"Okay. Deal accepted."

Then Chell, ignoring Doug, went back to the corridor where she had turned right, except this time, she walked straight into the observation room which showed a chamber numbered "06". "Hey, I know that chamber from the first Portal."

Nostalgically, she broke the window with the knife that she still had from Blue Portals 02 and took the Portal Device from there. It was blue portal-only, but after a weird fling that Chell executed, she managed to go back – with the Device.

Just as she went back to explore the so-called "employees' lounge", she crossed over another Aperture Scientist.

_Programmed responses activated._

"Hello! Mike sent me to show you the way. Follow me, please," said the scientist (which looked identical to all other scientists, with white shirts and black trousers).

A door to G-Labs Sector opened, and Chell and the scientist went through. A corridor with a glass wall on the left was shown to Chell.

"On your left, you can see one of our several laboratories. In this one, we're creating modules for the artificial intelligence. For the moment, they're working on a morality processor. Something like that... Yesterday, I heard someone saying that the module was not yet ready for the official launch. I bet they're going to plug ASCAIS without it. Anyway... they can do whatever they want; it's not really my problem."

The corridor came to a weird end when only the door to the right was available.

"OK, here we are. You open this door. Go down one level. Open another door. Turn left. Take the elevator. Open another door. Leave the room. Go straight ahead, and hum... You turn right and it should be there. Good luck and have a nice day!"

Chell did everything as described, and another Aperture Scientist came to help Chell.

_Programmed responses deactivated._

"Ah, there you are, Chell! Follow me, you  _are_  allowed to enter ASCAIS' room directly."

Chell took the path that she will use yet again twenty-three years later and came into what she knew was GLaDOS' room.

The room was full of Aperture Scientists that kept talking shit about developing the AI.

"Get ready guys! Here comes the last module."

"OK, come over here."

"Move up, move up…"

"OK, stop!"

"Move up, move up..."

"All right, got it."

"Put it behind, there must be a plug somewhere."

"This one?"

"No, this one is for the morality module. It's the other one, just above."

"OK, I see."

"All right, the module is connected."

"Hey, you, up there! We are ready. Switch the system on."

Someone at the observation room Chell hadn't seen before did something, and GLaDOS was turned on.

Everything happened in a split second. All the Aperture Scientists but not Chell were caught and burned down and what looked like a test subject was forced to jumped down. Then GLaDOS did a series of attacks on that another test subject which even if hit Chell, she (and the other test subject too) avoided, and it was shut down.

_Abby! Abby! It's Mike!_

"I heard this poem already back in 2107," said Chell.

_Goddammit! Peter and Erik are dead! Everyone is dead here! I switched off the whole system, there was nothing else to do! I don't have much time to talk, the auxiliary generator will start in a few minutes. Listen, ASCAIS can't be stopped, there's pretty much nothing to do. There's only one thing you can try. Reach the laboratory, and bring the morality module here. But I don't think she will let you do anything without trying to stop you. First, try to find another portalgun and... and... what the hell is that?_

Some weird sounds were heard behind.

_Oh shi-_

The scientist was killed.

"And on the topic of that "another portalgun," I have it here," said Chell looking at what she recognized as Abby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would comment on two occurrences of "Move up, move up..." if I didn't already do that in Portal: Prelude Convention.


	12. Part Eleven

"From where are you? I didn't recognize you."

"Oh. I'm Chell Johnson from the future that is called Portal 2. I was accidentally teleported into Portal: Prelude after an incident at Blue Portals occurred."

"Hey, I think I heard about you in the commentaries.  _"Abby has absolutely no right to be here, she can not take the same path that Chell will borrow a few years later…"_

"Actually, that's twenty-three years later. Tell the Commentary Man to redo that commentary."

"Okay. But why you said "the future that is called Portal 2?"

"Because Portal 2 takes place another eighty-six years after the first game."

"Woah, I'll not live up to that. Let's take care of Prelude."

Chell gave Abby the portalgun she had. She watched her create a portal, jump into it, and then the portal disappeared. "Another peaceful moment. Just me and shut down GLaDOS."

She waited in the GLaDOS room, occasionally destroying a GLaDOS manhack. These manhacks kept attacking Chell for ten minutes until… well… when Abby came through the first door that Chell came in first.

"And then GLaDOS. Of course."

 _Hey, you! What are you doing with that? I don't think you're doing what you think you're doing._   _By the way, you don't even know what this thing is..._   _So, if I were you, I would rather not approach me with this device._   _Now, let's see if you have what it takes to face me._

Chell decided to take a role. "Ya GLaDOS, this device that you don't know what it does, I've been in Portal 2 and I know this shit's name is Wheatley! So shut up!"

GLaDOS stopped her attack for a second, but that second was enough for Abby to run to the Morality Core, take it, run back to GLaDOS and put it in.

"That's how it has to go, isn't it!"

GLaDOS started to glitch.

 _WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?_   _DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE?_   _ARE YOU TOTALLY INSANE?_

After another series of glitching, GLaDOS' second message came.

_Seriously, you really thought this would stop me? You are pathetic and you are way too late. Now, the only thing you deserve is to die. Rrrrr, I hate you. Now, die!_

Both Chell and Abby were blown onto the walls, Abby on the construction area and Chell where incinerator button was in Portal.

* * *

Barely conscious, Chell saw that someone was giving up but GLaDOS wasn't listening.

_ASCAIS! Stop! What are you doing?_

These words of a scientist were followed by GLaDOS throwing a laser at him.

* * *

Another conscious cutscene Chell knew was that Abby was dragged back by non-Aperture female, most likely from Half-Life 2. No one apparently took care of Chell. She was left to die. That was really the end of this fan fiction.

* * *

When Chell finally woke up from the cryogenics where she was put in, she saw that GLaDOS room had greatly changed since the times of Prelude. The place that held the incinerator button was now fitted with a Relaxation Vault, the GLaDOS' unit's shape changed, the incinerator itself and the door where Chell came in first were blocked, and the whole chamber was overrun and vegetated.

That Portal: Prelude thing was just a dream, Chell thought until someone she didn't recognize first came through portals that suddenly appeared. He was Doug, Chell realized.

"That ASCAIS thing put a terrible mess on Prelude's area. I gave up on seeing you alive again."

"ASCAIS? What could it mean?"

"Aperture Science Central Artificial Intelligence Supercomputer."

"Then let me ask one thing.  _WAS THAT GODDAMN PRELUDE THING REAL OR WAS I JUST DREAMING?!_ "


	13. Part Twelve

"Well, I must say that the Prelude thing was real."

"Really? So how it ended?"

"Yeah. The scientists who were still alive told me that they took care of you and will awake me at September 2107. If only I knew you'd be shit month later…"

"So what date is now?"

"2107 October 9, 02:45 PM."

"Shit! GLaDOS is activated that time!"

And just as Chell predicted, GLaDOS started speaking.

_It seems that I found two test subjects._

"I can't believe I'm living through these same moments again."

"Yeah, me too."

The GLaDOS lithany Chell and Doug were already aware of passed and ended, and the room's lights turned off but were replaced by one large red light that Chell saw in Prelude.

Then an elevator came down and when its doors opened Chell and Doug saw that same Hatsune Miku GLaDOS version as on Prelude's cover.

That so-called Losda Grenston was amazed at how the test subjects that she just put in stasis were here, safe and sound.

"We've been in Prelude and we know all about ASCAIS' backstory!"

"Prelude? You've been in Portal: Prelude?"

"Yes. And I still have the installer with me."

"What version is it?"

"1.1.5, of course!" Chell started to laugh, but quickly got serious. "Go back to your elevator, bitch!" She threw the Prelude box and Losda fell back into the elevator. Then its doors closed. When they opened after ten seconds, there was only the Prelude box and the flash drive.

"So, I'm going to that computer to delete Prelude installer and put in Blue Portals installer. Then we go to that elevator and voila, we're in Blue Portals."

"But when that mod takes place..?"

"In 2037. You mean, we'll not live up to that? We won't have to. We'll just find two relaxation vaults there and then we'll appear in 2102. You see, it doesn't even reach Portal 2!"

After a while, Blue Portals mod was downloaded and installer was in the flash drive. "Let's do it." Chell and Doug went into the elevator and after another ten seconds they were in Blue Portals.

Examining the "new" Blue Portals' chamber, Chell and Doug saw that there was a portal elevator on the other side of the Relaxation Vault. "So is that supposed to be… um… Blue Portals Chamber -01?"

But that wasn't a Blue Portals' chamber at all. Yes, it had that similar feeling, but it also had the devices that weren't anywhere in Blue Portals but instead were more like the real Portal 2, like tractor beams, projected bridges (and pipes) and diversity vents.

"The elevators go backwards in time and reveal monsters yet again," said Chell.

The monsters were nice and safe, though. And there was a time machine which somehow found its way to 2107.

"Hey look, a time machine!" said Doug, who was the first to notice that specific monster.

"Now on to the fix!" said Chell and after breaking the window which had already proven Portal 2 was copying Blue Portals, they went into the time machine.

"How you'll use it?" asked Doug.

"I don't know," replied Chell.

"Cool."

The time machine's interface had four lines. The first one read "Portal 2 Final Chamber, Cleveland, Ohio, USA". The second one counted the current time. It was approximately half past four night, 2037 October 9. The third line for some reason was identical to the first one and the fourth had a time format of the second, but all digits were zero.

Under these four lines there was a bit weird keyboard and an Enter button.

Chell started to type by the keyboard. No one thought a keyboard was important in Portal 2, but that's just its stupidness. She had to search for uppercase B (uppercase and lowercase letters had their own keys) and then she found out that all letters were in alphabetical order. She now could type in "Blue Portals Chamber 10, Swindon, UK" and hit enter. Now it was the time to type in the time. For some reason, Chell typed in 2170.10.09 04:13:00.000. Yet again, she hit enter.

The time machine then was covered in a blue translucent sphere and the first two lines of the interface started to flap until they copied exactly what Chelll typed in. They stayed so for a while and then flapped back. Doug noticed that while he saw the Blue Portals' chamber, there were the actual copies of them.

"Maybe you could stop us?" he asked.

"What? Oh wait, really!" Chell fired up the time machine to go to that same place, but a year later. This time, it worked fine and the translucent sphere disappeared.

"So, let's go and fix that shit."

They passed through that same route Chell knew and to the fix place.

"Now I know that  _this_  is the fix." She put in the fix. The whole place started to glitch, but quickly stopped as a yet unknown voice started talking.

"Well, you're going to play that game. Thanks for the overlordry continuation, but then you're still going into a mod. Your choice."


	14. Part Thirteen

Chell thought: "I'll say the name of a map. Then 0ver5e3r will fail." And she said: "Okay. Party Escort Submission Position."

The newly turned on A.I. glitched for a second, but the teleport to a map did not fail. Chell and Doug appeared inside a GLaDOS-like room with a similar figure without screens on its body but more on the walls. That new figure seemed to greet tbe newcomers.

_Hello Chell and Doug. I've been expecting you. I'm Mark, also known as GLABS, which means Genetic Lifeform And Backup System._

After a pause, GLABS continued.

_Ever since GLaDOS was disabled, I've been running 24/7. I think it is now time to end your life and take a well-deserved break. If you actually thought I was a person, then you really were as stupid as I thought._

As GLABS said that, two rocket turrets were deployed from the floor and for some reason started shooting only Doug.

"You'll have to find a safe spot while I crawl that went on the right, said Chell, shot bith portals on the wall, went into the vent and disappeared from Doug's sight. Then the blue portal disappeared too and Chell came back in through the orange portal.

"Even if 0ver5e3r did not fail, GLABS did."

GLABS, in reply, said:

_What are you doing? Get back here so I can kill you._

Not listening, Chell and Doug found a ladder on the room where they could escape and climbed up.

But for some reason GLABS had to suck more than GLaDOS (all versions included), Cave-I, 0ver5e3r, Janus and Spectator Name Here in one place.

_You can't escape. I control all the elevators. You will stay here forever._

"So, the last resort is that door over there," said Chell and added: "I go there, if I'm teleported you'll know." She went through the door and saw that now she was on a catwalk which ended with a wall and a switch. Here, as in Chell's vision, a message appeared. It was cut in three parts.

_It is your decision to kill GLABS_

_To kill GLABS, throw the switch_

_To spare GLABS, simply walk away_

Inner voices kept telling Chell: "GLABS is sbrown's impersonation and you have to kill him because sbrown is bad." She tried to fight this "notion", but quickly gave up and attempted to throw the switch. But GLABS simply had to be a dickhead and pointlessly address Chell.

_What are you doing Chell. Stop this. Don't kill me, please? I'm your friend. Friends don't kill friends, do they? If you don't kill me then I'll make sure GLaDOS never comes back online again._

Chell did not want to listen and tried to throw the switch, but all she got was a message "Wait and listen to him!" "Bullshit! Why would I ever want to listen to someone that really is sbrown?"

_And since it is the summer holidays, we can do whatever we want. We can go to the offices or we can kill the other test subjects in the impossible challenges. What do you say? It will be fun. Just you and me._

"At no cost I will let you kill Doug Rattmann!" She threw the switch.

_GLABS Power Down Sequence beginning in thirty (boom) (glitch series) years._

"Thanks, I can kill you sooner." She found the nearest computer, went in the Fan Fiction Application and edited the entry that read: "And then, after thirty years, GLABS shut down." She just changed "years" to "milliseconds". And GLABS shut down immediately.

Then she went back to Doug's and said: "In the actual Party Escort Submission Position, this elevator leads to the surface and out of the headquarters."

"It's the way out? Thank you so much. I'll remember you all the time."

They went into the elevator, pushed the button, rose several floors, went out and saw that there was a parking lot. They went through it into some Combine-overrun city with the City Scanners, stupid walls and all-blue-wearing Citizens.

"Finally – the way out." They turned left, walked the street and to the unknown (I mean, it was known for the Citizens but not for Chell or Doug) that was called the freedom (though, it's still debated whetter this Combine shit can be considered "the freedom"). And then it happened.

While "it" did not happened to Doug, Chell's vision faded to black and some sort of credits of Party Escort Submission Position – with sbrown mentioned, of course – and then Portal 2 final song happened. Just as they finished, Chell fell in the map and (if a map failure like this is assumed "dea-)- (glitch series) (Portal Radio starts playing)

**_\- Portal 2 ends here -_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> people say the number 13 is unlucky
> 
> I say the number 13 is part of the arc number 413


	15. Parts 14c and 14d

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and of course I do the dumb splitting thing
> 
> again

**_\- Portal 2: Episode One starts here -_ **

It was this same room where the fix was launched. Doug was in some sort of stasis. She (whoever "she" was) knew that for stasis achievement either there needs to be a Relaxation Vault or an elevator. This was just weird.

"Okay? Is there an escape prevention system?"

A barely familiar voice started talking.

"No. We're just having trouble putting people inside maps. It just fails: the maps start not working, the people duplicate, et cetera, et cetera. That's why I said "a mod". Now, as in Blue Portals there are no exits, we had to develop this teleporter. And – you still have to use it. Properly. This. Time."

"Thanks. Then I choose Portal: Stay Inside."

"Okay."

And after yet another ten seconds the teleport occurred. This time Chell appeared inside of a bureau with this really weird guy who was a good friend. This friend (otherwise he wouldn't be a friend) welcomed Chell.

"Hi there. I'm some guy named WinstonSmith, which is totally not a reference to George Orwell's novel 1984, or that there is one "unperson" whose removal process is currently happening in Po- I mean, this universe. I honestly don't care about anything here. Just exit and go do something else."

Chell was about to go when Winston added: "And by the way, I added the Survival Campaign if you want to try it out."

Now that corrupted entry, Chell could go out. The bureau's chamber had two doors opposite to each other. One had "north" written on it and the other one had "south" on it. Chell tried to take the south door but hit the table while walking and was shown a carpet with a green eye ornament. After somehow standing up, she decided to take the north door, but again was led to a failure as the shit sauce bed from Portal greeted her. That "bed" from Portal for some reason was A.I. enough to put Chell in stasis by itself. Her last thought was: "I never thought Portal 2: Episode One would be so short."

* * *

„So, sbrown had to fail and put Chell into the unknown while leaving me here. But nevermind that.  _I'M FREE! HOORAY!_ "

Doug Rattmann had his destiny achieved. He was out of the nightmarish facility forever for this time. He didn't even think of some "her" that was key to the achievement. The stupidest facility of all time was no longer constraining him, and "she" could go to the Android Hell.

"Okay, so that I'm out… what should I do? I'll ask an ordinary citizen," he thought. He found a bench where a citizen wanted to calm down after the day's work, sat down and said to him: "Hi."

"Who are you? I've never seen you before."

"Well, that's because only recently I escaped the Aperture Laboratories."

"Aperture Laboratories? I thought that no one going there can ever escape?"

"Well, my fellow- I mean, human Companion Cube called Chell Johnson couldn't. She is now in the unknown."

"You mean that she is dead?"

"Maybe. You will never know what a map can suggest."

"Okay… I forgot the introducement. So, who are you again?"

"I'm Doug Rattmann, the proud maintainer of the Aperture Image Format."

"Lol, I must have your program then. I have some Combine images acquired but they were encoded in this format. Then I searched for a decoder and bam, your program."

"Anyway, so I escaped and discovered that I'm famous here. But I still don't know what to do."

"Why don't you visit my house?"

"Hey, what a good idea! Of course yes!"

"If only I can remember what house it is, because the Combine don't have the street names nor the house numbers…"

"But can't you make your own ones?"

"Once the signs are put on the houses, they are almost immediately destroyed."

"And for keeping them in-mind?"

"You knew that the Combine were dickheads?"

"I knew that Aperture Science were dickheads."

"Really? Did  _they_  destroy the street names or the house numbers?"

"In Aperture Laboratories, there are no streets and no houses – only the test chambers. They have a plain number, sometimes a name of the map/creator and that's it."

"But they themselves keep them?"

"As far as I know, yes."

"See? And the Combine are dickheads enough to cypher their made-up house number under a RSA-16384 – or something like that - cypher."

"Damn. I need to write a program to decode  _these_  numbers."

"Nah; it's still enough for us to have a house number like AD6C8F002ABB987C."

"And you remember it?"

"Our society became very forgetful, but I wasn't  _that_  forgetful to remember it. But I know one secret.  _Don't drink their water._ "

"Could  _water_  be the source of forgetting?"

"Yes."

"I'll remember that. But, like I said, let's come to your house."

"Okay. I'll have to remember where AD6C8F002ABB987C  _is_ , though."

They stood up and walked along the Combine streets with random fixtures and a hundred thousand explosive barrels that kept exploding and destroying City 18.

"Here we are. Welcome to AD6C8F002ABB987C, or, in short, My House."

The citizen used a weird key that didn't even resemble a human key and it worked.

"Woah. I must be in Half-Life 2, as this is  _not_  what I was used to all the time," thought Doug

Then a Caucasian woman in her forties somehow teleported and said:

"The Borealis – and Aperture Science themselves – suck. I need to turn into the side of the Combine."

After a minute of silence, she added something to it.

"And also, I took Abby out of context in Portal: Prelude."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why Judith Mossman
> 
> before me, Judith Mossman wasn't even a character recognized by Archive of Our Own despite her actually being in Half-Life 2 and not some obscure mod that only select few know about


	16. Parts 15c and 15d

When Chell was finally out of the Stay Inside trap, she first noticed that the guide of the bureau was gone. There was only a note left: „Again, I honestly have no idea what you're talking about. Sincerely, Winston." But that was least of her problems.

Winston apparently left a mirror too. When Chell looked through it, she saw that she no longer looked so nicely as when she was in Portal 2. Portal: Stay Inside reverted her back to her Portal 1 look.

„sbrown's work may suck, but the Stay Inside failure makes me wanna escape from these facilities as soon as possible."

She tried to rewind in her mind what the bureau guide said, but only remembered everything perfectly since I'm being a horrible person

„He might as well be the G-Man. It'd make as much sense. A mapper must've been behind, but who?"

As Ruby was no longer there, Chell started to feel like the overlord of the Aperture Laboratories #157. But she didn't want that. She wanted to escape.

She then suddenly found a recording tape and rewinded it a bit.

"totally not a reference to George Orwell's novel 1984"

The rest of the tape was corrupted, but Chell knew how to escape from this nightmare forever. She needed to find a portal to George Orwell's novel 1984 and there a good friend of Winston that had become a total enemy of her. But, unfortunately, she took the north door again. This time, she was reactful enough to avoid the "eat" of the stasis bed and made an escape.

"So, the south door." She hit that same table again and all the papers on it were taken down to the floor.

_*rewinded tape*_

"So, the south door." And she hit the table again and fell flat on her face. Then the north door opened and the stasis bed tried to "eat" her again, but only "ate" some papers. The "bed" was so cruel that it left only Ruby's note and a portion of a page from a fan fiction called "Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time," numbered "Page 37."

She read the page loud.

_(Not copying in. For a while.)_

The rest of the page was cut.

"So I'll kill the Aperture Science Business Magnet?"

But he had to appear.

"Hi, I'm Winston. No idea no idea no idea. Goodbye!"

Winston – as suddenly as he appeared – disappeared. But he left a note.

"You must kill the Aperture Science Business Magnet as soon as possible. Smasher 006."

* * *

"What the hell Judith Mossman is doing here?" asked Doug.

"I don't know."

Then the woman said something.

"I'm not Judith Mossman. I'm just a random female that loves being a spy for everyone."

"I know you're her," said the citizen.

"Yeah? And you're Gordon Freeman, then."

"No. You're really her. And I can prove it. Alyx Vance."

Judith suddenly teleported out. She hated Alyx Vance so much.

"So, we're given introduction to what will become Episode Three," said Doug.

"You mean the most awesome game ever made?"

"You've played Episode Three?"

"Yes, I'm a huge fan of games such as that. I can't remember the story, though, because I figured out the "don't drink their water" rule after I forgot the story and they even stole the game."

"Let me recreate it. I think Portal: The 4th Millennium Wiki is still running."

It wasn't a distance to find a computer, but it had no Internet access.

"Wait, I think I remember now that the Combine cut the Internet off."

"The Combine, the Combine. Let's just go to Aperture Laboratories where everything is fine."

They went out of the house, took the same underground parking lot that Doug and Chell used to escape, went back into the elevator and down to the GLABS room.

But, as it was previously established, GLABS was a total idiot.

_You're back. I knew that you'll feel the nostalgic feeling of the Aperture Laboratories. And this citizen? Is he the new test subject? Thank you so much. I just need to transport you to a place that GLaDOS once controlled and then to some place that you'll not even remember. And also, Doug, I managed to revert the Fan Fiction Application entry so I'll be the king of this place for the upcoming thirty years. Now, goodbye._

The flashback got in.

_Everyone get the hell out of here!_

But wait, Prelude's story didn't go like  _this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because apparently Smasher 006 banning me from mAL wasn't enough
> 
> that or the same reasons the Warweary Serket and his robot were killed


	17. Parts 16c and 16d

"I'll kill them both. But I need the Orwell novel."

She couldn't find anything in the office and she noticed that both doors were "north" ones.

She opened one door that she called "Door Number One." Yet again, she was greeted with the predator stasis bed. She closed the door quickly and put the table so that the door doesn't open.

"So, Door Number Two." But there was the same predator stasis bed.

"Well, I can't block two doors with one table-" and the table suddenly got longer and blocked Door Number Two by itself.

"Thanks, table!"

But then a portal had to appear right under Chell herself and make her fall in the new rabbit hole.

There, after failing down, Chell saw the purple skies, land-like small islands (although there was no water) and some weird rings raining everywhere.

And then for some reason he had to teleport in.

"Hi. I'm Doug Rattmann, your friend. Wait. Is it raining Hoopies? YAY! HOOPIES!111!"

But then he had to teleport out. Somehow.

Then a block fell on the island in and a portal opened on the block. Chell came in and there still was this island kingdom, but… you know, not much can be said about Xen.

_Instead, I'm going to put the whole scene in the Incipisphere._

So, another "portal block" fell for Chell to come in. But the land there was even weirder.

Chell found herself on the top of a box-shaped building in the _(I can't strikethrough things here? Would have made an ironic way to retcon things)_  Land of Stay Inside. There wasn't really much to access except for the building. Any attempt to escape it would lead to a fall to a circuitboard floor from a mile in the air.

_Nevermind, I'll make her fall and finally appear in the Orwell- wait, I have to reach Page 36 first._

"Common, this voice must stop."

And then a computer deployed from the ceiling into the outside of the Incipisphere, with the Fan Fiction Application conveniently turned on.

Or it would be, if it didn't say that now is the Year ?.

* * *

_At least I can switch to the scenes of Prelude._

As the whole scene failed and GLaDOS activated, something weird just  _had_  to happen. It just couldn't pass out just fine. In other words, GLaDOS must had said:

_Activating Portal: The 4th Millennium Wiki Service. Now._

Or no. I just lost my way in this fan fiction and I haven't played Portal for months.

Just bear with me as I try to remember something.

„This voice must DIE!" said Doug and his Citizen friend from nowhere.

Oh shit.

_*kill sounds*_

„Now that we're rid of the stupid voice... what should we do?"

_Let me plan all of this, Doug. You took this citizen in. So the first thing I have to do is to move him out to show him the true nature of the tests._

„No, I'm not going to leeaaaaaaaaaaaa..."

_*predator stasis bed sound*_

_And as for you... I'll take care of you in the GLaDOS room. I activated the portal down there. Come down and go to her disposal._

_*walking sound*_

„So here we are, GLaDOS. This Doug Rattmann has annoyed me all the time ever since he teleported in."

„Sorry, Mark, but I didn't teleport him to yours. I think the Blue Portals AI did."

„Blue Portals AI? Wait...  _Blue Portals?_ "

„Yeah. I can at least displace this portal to show her to you."

_*portal opening sound*_

„Who are you?"

„If you thought I was something, then you were really as stupid as I thought.  _Blue Portals AI._ "

„That is a total insult to me. You should call me 0ver5e3r instead."

„Okay? And I'm the Aperture Science Business Magnet, then."

„Ineffective. He isn't at this time. Completely. Until 2999."

„Shit. I must modify the Fan Fiction Application entry then. Okay, 2028...  _„And then, after thirty thousand years, GLABS finally shut down."_ Perfect. So that I took care of him, 0ver5e3r, what should we do?"

„GLaDOS was talking about some Doug Rattmann. What I know is ~~~~~  _rewinding to entry. Doug Rattmann. A Blue Portals intruder. First registered..._ "

„Shut up. Time isn't important."

„You should shut up instead. At least I'm doing something useful."

„Let me see how you do that „useful!" So, 2038.  _„The Unix Date Bug put 0ver5e3r down, in 2027."_ "

„Caution. Time paradox to occur."


	18. Part 5w

„Okay, I'm free, rocket? One... two... THREE oh no i'm falling aaahhh... no, it didn't work. Let's try again, okay?  _*where doing this man, WHERE MAKING THIS HAPEN*_ one... two... THREE OH NO OH SHIT WHAT IS GOING ON!"

But the rocket turret didn't care. It just shot the core. The rocket was so fast that the core was flung right out of the Laboratories.

As it was crashing, it dissolved into over nine thousand pieces. But these pieces strangely wanted to say something.

_„The password is:"_

The rest of the core's body made up the word „GLaDOS".

Just to test, someone rewinded the time for the core to come back in time and replace the other version that was going like „AAAAAA AAAAAB AAAAAC". Common, this code activates „the GLaDOS".

Instead, the future core put in the  _real_ code (I don't know in Android Hell how it put in lowercase A) and GLaDOS suddenly deactivated.

The elevator Chell, Doug and the Cube were in made its destination, the place „out of the facility." But no one took care of  _him_ , oh wait,  _them_.

They never visited Blue Portals, they never visited Portal: Prelude, they never visited Party Escort Submission Position, she never visited Portal: Stay Inside (I KNOW the retail mod's name, BELIEVE me), he never visited the Combine world, GLABS never talked to 0ver5e3r, causing him to shut down after thirty milliseconds and never even think about it, and yeah. Portal 2 and Portal 2: Episode One never happened.

Until... now.

_Setting time to: 2881 February 17, 08:25 AM._

Now NOW she waked up to find original Chamber 17 and much older Doug in a much older uninhabited facility. Yeah, finally there was no GLaDOS. She took him out of the facility and they lived long and prosperous OH WAIT HE WAS OUT ALREADY.

Alternate timelines suck. Let's just go back to the original timeline, 2028 January 7.

And oh, I managed to revert the Fan Fiction Application entry so a) I'm alive until Her future human self kills me and b) the Unix Date Bug activated the day it had to.

_I can make everything happen, thanks to the Fan Fiction Application._

Oh shit, I have to go out now. It's almost 10:21:40.

_*time travel sounds*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess that's why Valve needed to make Wheatley into a moron
> 
> because of this chapter


	19. Parts 17c and 17d

„This piece of shit now doesn't have TIME?"

And nope. She couldn't access any of the years that exist to our knowledge. That was it. She was inside some other weird universe where there is barely a concept of time.

„Or – maybe because it's a failure of the Fan Fiction Application."

She turned off the BBS system program and a monster came from the PC to eat her. Just about the time, everything went black.

* * *

But the Incipisphere thing was real.

When the predator stasis bed finally released her, she still found herself on a roof with a computer with Fan Fiction Application turned on atop of a circuitboard floor a mile away.

This time she turned the BBS system off and nothing happened. It just showcased the desktop of the computer. The background image was a quite familiar cover of Prelude. The only three icons on it were „Recycle Bin", „ASBBSSFFA" and „Sburb 1.0".

„Let's try out „Sburb 1.0". This one's gotta be so cool."

She turned on the program and as if everything was so convenient the overview of the place was shown.

When Chell zoomed out, she saw that the Laboratories (Aperture Laboratories #157) were on top of a moon-like surface that was on top of a spire that went all the way into the circuitboard floor. The circuitboard floor was not flat but made up the Land of Stay Inside. The Land of Stay Inside was connected to a sky planet (Skaia, duh) by five blue glowing dots. Skaia was connected to two other planets (Land of Blue Portals and Land of Portal: Prelude, that's how Sburb referred to them) by ten more dots. Around this triangle system orbited a bunch of asteroids. Around Skaia also orbited two more planets, each with a moon. One, which was orange (Prospit), orbited very close to Skaia, even closer than the three closest dots. Another, which was blue (Derse), orbited even further than the asteroid ring (The Veil). Whatever systems could have been even further could not be seen, as Sburb did not allow to zoom out any further.

„This is boring." She zoomed in so that in her sight were only Land of Stay Inside and the first dot.

But she didn't even revise the menu. Aside from the zooming in/out interface, there were seven buttons to choose from, from left to right: „Select", „Revise", „Deploy", „Phernalia Registry", „Grist Cache", „Explore Atheneum" and „Alchemy Excursus".

„Let's try „Revise"." A new counter appeared, showcasing that the system allowed the use of 2.002002002e98 of whatever these blue diamonds were, which were also a symbol of the „Grist Cache" option.

She selected a partition of the roof. She now could make the part higher at the expense of „6/ft" of the blue diamonds.

„6, as opposed to 2.002002002e98. How funny." She made a tower all the way from Land of Stay Inside to Skaia. But even funnier was the thing that THE TOWER WAS REAL.

Doing so cost 19200 of these diamonds. But they couldn't be diamonds. Chell instead made up the term „Aperture Science Sburb Revise Points".

„Let's make a stairwell too." The making of the stairwell cost 6400 Revise Points, with 2.002002002e98 left. She accidentally rolled over the counter which said so, and got the full number: 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200 174 600. Damn.

The number's giantness was so weird, she even decided to make similar stairwells to Land of Blue Portals, Land of Portal: Prelude, Prospit and Derse (with another structure guarding the stairwell from The Veil) too. How many Revise Points left? 2.002002002e98? This couldn't be real. But it was.

„Now I can say fuck to the program and go explore the whole place." She started climbing the stairwell until the first dot. Turns out, it wasn't a dot at all, but instead it had the spirograph pattern.

„It won't hurt if I touch it." The spirograph dot took Chell into a similar stairwell she just made, just above the other of the three planets. If the Land of Stay Inside had a dark green and purple shade, thanks to the circuitboard pattern, the planet Chell was above now (she remembered the name „Land of Blue Portals") was light orange.

She then climbed down to the Land of Blue Portals. And what did you expect? Why of course – the Blue Portals-stylish yellow bricks!

„Let's try Land of Portal: Prelude instead." She climbed up to the second teleporter, teleported onto the Prelude stairwell and climbed down. And now this was more like it. This was more like as if Chell was in Aperture's Main Headquarters, or, I guess, Aperture Science Laboratories.

„Boring. Let's try Prospit."

* * *

„So, 0ver5e3r, how were time paradoxes today?"

„We should consider bringing Doug to ours. * _PORTAL DISPLACEMENT TO GLaDOS ROOM ACTIVATED*_ "

_*walking sounds*_

„ _*PORTAL DISPLACEMENT TO GLaDOS ROOM DEACTIVATED*_ So, now, edit war. Blue Portals."

„You'll never pull this off because the answer is Party Escort Submission Position."

But  _the_  Doug Rattmann was fed up already.

„I know where I should go. The Combine World."

He left through GLABS room, the „employee lift" (it's a lift and not an elevator so it can have buttons) and to The Combine World.

The Combine are so boring. They didn't even change the outside of City 18  _at all_  except for that giant building they call The Citadel.

„Maybe I just need a different Laboratory system in a different interface." He started walking at no particular location, out of the City 18, through the woods, the desert, the Antlion Fields. He just kept walking, and walking, and walking, and walking...

There's nothing to say about this boring state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with that much 200s "200 200 200 200 200 200 200 200" beats "Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time" as the most frequent 8 word combination I write in my fanfics


	20. Parts 18c and 18d

Then Chell climbed up all the way to third gate but it teleported her onto another stairwell at the same altitude. That same thing happened with the fourth and the fifth gates.

„Finally Skaia. Only if I can navigate here!"

But it wasn't called Skaia, was it. Whoever created Sburb 1.0 made the game into an advertisement for Portal. The Lands named after Portal mods, blue and orange Prospit and Derse, and as for Skaia, it's called „Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time Lobby". In fact, some of the entities of the session such as Empress Contine Overseer would go back in time using The Time-Lapse and rename the Land of Stay Inside into the „Land of Night and Data".

Or wait. How in Android Hell The Time-Lapse would travel anywhere through the 5th dimension?

Well, then some of the entities of the session such as miss Contine would reverse-time-downgrade into RP accounts in Formspring and  _then_  rename the planets.

Enough backstory. Let's just say that Ms. Johnson-Rattmann made it all the way to Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time Lobby and back to Derse.

The Derse, as it was already established, was blue and had a moon. But the moon didn't just orbit around Derse, no, instead the small planet was chained to the big planet. Add that to Aperture Laboratories #157-like design of the towers on the small planet (Prelude's Laboratories for convenience were renamed into „Aperture Science Main Headquarters '98") and a mAL Off Topic Castle-resembling castle of the big planet and you have the possibly worst design of a planet ever in a fictional material.

And even weirder was the fact that the structure Ms. Johnson-Rattmann built to protect the stairwell from The Veil broke, sending Derse crashing into the Land of Stay Inside. Of course it took an hour to crash but still.

On its crash the un-broken part of the structure was bombarded by The Veil, separating Derse from that piece of shit.

And then CRASH! The Land of Stay Inside was out of its tracks and its part of the stairwell, sent into Land of Blue Portals.

Then the mixture of the Land of Stay Inside and Derse hit Blue Portals off  _its_  tracks onto the Land of Portal: Prelude, breaking  _its_  stairwell.

And then Land of Portal: Prelude was hit too. The remainder of the Lands kept orbiting about Portal 2: The Stupidest Sequel of All Time Lobby.

In the ruins of the planets, all Ms. Johnson-Rattmann needed was another portal leading to the un-teleported part of Aperture Laboratories #157, the Aztec Ruins.

The areas were to be perfectly navigational. However, years of weakening and decay have turned it into a test-like environment with millennia-old nineteenth century bridges broken only to open up a new way of getting through the ruins. Let the portal shit begin.

It was easy.

Then, after going through the Orwellian reality, Ms. Johnson-Rattmann found what she was searching for all the time: a portal to the 4th millennium where she could finally defeat the friend of the rude Ruby.

But all that she crossed over was another "really weird guy that was actually a good friend" (believe me, I'm not) who called himself " _the_  Aperture Science Business Magnet."

She asked him:

"Do you know, um..."

"What?"

"That guy who runs Portal: Stay Inside."

"Sorry, but as far as I know, Portal: Stay Inside is run by my good friend." (I removed references to the other "friend" that was there by myself.)

"But could he disguise himself under other names?"

"Seriously, these other names only exist in your mind as the real runner of Portal: Stay Inside... I'll get back to you. AFTER MINUS NINE HUNDRED YEARS."

"Okay, so you're telling me to search for a runner of Portal: Stay Inside?"

"I'm telling you (garbled) to kill me. Now."

"Okay."

She was about to pull out her trusty knife when the Business Magnet pulled out a version of it that he obtained through time shenanigans. And his trademark NES Zapper.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why the NES Zapper is my trademark weapon
> 
> I only own a Sega Genesis console
> 
> also somehow I typed "Empress Contine Overseer" before I even had the idea for the character Contine Overseer
> 
> the shenanigans never end
> 
> also there is actually no d part here


	21. Parts 19c and 19d

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and then to add up to this Valve has to OMG LIKE WHEATLEY SOOOOOOOO MUCH and make another Wheatley Promo™

And then, to add up to this, Wheatley jumped down from the ceiling of the high-rise facility.

"Die, intru-"

The Zapper shot occurred.

„Hey Wheatley, I said the intruder must not die."

But the heroine wasn't listening. Instead, she looked up and saw ten lights, lighting the thing. They started going off, one by one, and when the last one went, a message on the wall appeared.

_Portal: The 4th Millennium_

„Now don't move. I have an idea."

Scared of the evil lord of darkness, Ms. Johnson-Rattmann found herself falling through a portal and then she was falling a bunch of stairs.

„I warned you about stairs bro! I told you dog!"

It keeps happening.

* * *

Now what is this guy even thinking of when keeping on walking.

I mean, there's no point being him on this boring state.

Maybe until he's appearified and then sendificated somewhere we can meet him being the interdimensional portaller which I like being better.

* * *

No, a new part hasn't started. It's only because I discontinued the „d" series of parts.

Anyway.

„Back to Orwell. Great."

And then the portal flicked and the number above the portal changed from 1984 to 2084.

Ms. Johnson-Rattmann promptly entered and found the another series of ruins, only outside. The wall was on its way to the portal.

She quickly jumped back to the Ruins just in time before the portal fizzled once and for all. The time flicked to 2184, 2284, 2384, ... but the portal just didn't appear.

„Now how I'm gonna get out of this."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> © 2007-2010 Valve Corporation. Valve, Portal, Portal 2, GLaDOS, Wheatley, Wheatley Promo and Stephen Merchant are trademarks or registered trademarks of Valve Corporation.


	22. Part 20c

And just in time, a giant purple thing crashed into the Orwellian reality. It then got a bit lower just to be touched by the heroine and disappear.

_Shale Acquired: 1e63_

„What kind of Sburb 1.0 bullshit is that."

(pause)

„How about I check my checklist instead."

There was only one note: „KILL THE FUCKIN' „BUSINESS MAGNET". NOW." (unchecked)

_No. It can't be. It just can't be._

„Yes, it CAN."

(another boring stupid pause that no one cares about)

„No wait, it can't."

_Okay, now I'm not referencing Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff because it is lame and should be kept for things like Sweet Chell and Hella Marrissa._

„Will you let me write the fan fiction instead of you."

_Okay, okay. As you wish._

„Now where did you stop. I took you out of context and ended up here."

(what I said, pauses are stupid, you total Chell)

„Who is this „Chell" you- YOU HAVE RETURNED?"

(yes, I did)

„Maybe I just need to talk without pauses and it will do it. But how can I do that before I quickly run out of things to talk about, or, for that matte- yeah, a time machine which I and Doug can use to go back in time and be the best pair in Aperture Science EVER. You total idiot. And it will be the end of the fan fiction."

(no, just don't do this)

„Too late."

_\- Portal 2: Episode One ends here -_

* * *

_Haha, you suck. Now I can continue from here._

"No, you suck because you haven't started Portal 2: Episode Two."

_This isn't a fan fiction on Portal 2: Episode Two._

"That is the point. I ended the fan fiction and period."

_Well won't there be an aftermath?_

"What aftermath? I and Doug came back in time, just after the Combine Annihilation, and lived long and prosperous."

_That? An aftermath?_

"Yes. Now end this and period."

_Fine._

_\- Let's just say the fan fiction ends here -_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also why Portal 2: Episode One and Portal 2: Episode Two
> 
> why not Portal 2: DLC No. 1: Peer Review and Portal 2: DLC No. 2: Perpetual Testing Initiative
> 
> (answer: those are 2011 things and the year 2011 sucks by and large)


	23. Epilogue, You Can't Get Me Here

_Aperture Science BBS System Fan Fiction Application, version 21. 0. 7. 413  
_

_Handling humanity's history since Jesus Christ_

_File "Portal_2_The_Stupidest_Sequel_of_All_Time. ffc" successfully written into year 2107 (additional years 1998, 2010, 2028, 2037, 2170, 2171, 3007, 3107, ?)._

_To load another file, write "load your_fan_fiction. ffc"._

\- dir

_Directory listing:_

_.._

_more_bullshit_movies_

_2012_The_Year_of_the_Venus_Transit. mp4  
_

_After_the_Combine_Annihilation. ffc  
_

_Alternian_Trolltal_2_The_Sburbanest_Jungle_of_All_Time. ffc  
_

_Combine_Overtal_2_The_Blackest_Mesa_of_All_Time. apr1  
_

_Half-Life_2_Episode_Three_The_Combine_Trolling_Continues. ffc  
_

_Homestuck_2_The_Revenge_of_the_Business_Magnet. ffc  
_

_Homestuck_2_The_Revenge_of_the_Business_Magnet. mspafa  
_

_Portal_2_The_Stupidest_Sequel_of_All_Time. ffc  
_

_Portal_2_The_Stupidest_Webcomic_of_All_Time. ffc  
_

_Portal_The_4th_Millennium. mp4  
_

_Lena_Bestselerovna_The_Movie. mp4  
_

_Lena_Bestselerovna_The_Real_Fail. ffc  
_

_Session_257. mspafa  
_

_1 folder, 13 files in total._

\- load Portal_The_4th_Millennium. mp4

_Error: Can't load any non-fan fiction files._

\- load Half-Life_2_Episode_Three_The_Combine_Trolling_Continues. ffc

_Loading..._

_Successfully started loading fan fiction "Half-Life 2 Episode Three: The Combine Trolling Continues"._

_Specify time:_ 2029 July 16, 7:30 PM

_Successfully deducted year to 2029._

_Specify place:_  The White Forest, 100 km (60 mi) from City 17, RSFSR, the Soviet Union

 _Geolocation failed. Specify latitude:_  37.607759

 _Specify longtitude:_  54.856699

_Success._

_Error: Coming soon_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> right
> 
> even though I am a Homestuck fan I have to imitate the boring nineties consoles rather than artificially intelligent Homestuck-esque consoles/"adventures"
> 
> also originally the fic had 21,412 words, then 20,891, then 19,175 and now only 18,544 but I still can't follow up on its length


End file.
